It's over. Thank God.
Parochialist out...for now.
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Friday, November 28, 2008
not even trying anymore.
You ever wonder about how the City Paper chooses winners for various contests (short fiction, comics, etc.)?
No, really, I'm actually asking.
who cares anyway.
No, really, I'm actually asking.
who cares anyway.
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Vote for me!
Vote for The Parochialist as your favorite blog in the City Paper Best of Baltimore Readers poll! In fact, vote for The Parochialist for any category you want. Vote for The Parochailist for President!
Do it!
Do it!
Thursday, August 7, 2008
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
I'm not the only one...
The Parochialist has been quiet as of late but now we’re coming up upon some City Paper related issues that I’d like to share with the readers.
First of all, I’m not the only one who sees the Shit Rag from Park Ave for all its’ cronyism and nepotism. The Big Music Issue that came out last week (which I really could barely drag myself to look at) also brought out the angry letter writers with at least one of my main points about the City Paper as it ended with the line “ [This issue] would be better titled The Exclusionary Music Issue.” My point exactly. I am no longer pissed or surprised to see the same old shit, same old names and faces of people who know the secret City Paper handshake. I’m just glad to know I’m not the only one who sees it.
And if you can check out this article and comments from the Baltimore Sun from another unrepresented local artist.
http://weblogs.baltimoresun.com/entertainment/midnight_sun/blog/2008/02/city_paper_vs_steve_hefter.html
Again, it’s not that I’m stupid and think I should the one getting all kinds of coverage. It’s just that certain less-than-deserving groups seem to be getting that coverage all the time, with a reverence that should be reserved for…just about anything else.
And, and, and…the ballot for the City Paper Reader’s Poll came out today. I encourage you to fuck with them and put “The Parochialist” in for as many categories as you can. If I win something, I will be sure to wear my special hand-made Parochialist T-shirt to the Best of Baltimore party.
First of all, I’m not the only one who sees the Shit Rag from Park Ave for all its’ cronyism and nepotism. The Big Music Issue that came out last week (which I really could barely drag myself to look at) also brought out the angry letter writers with at least one of my main points about the City Paper as it ended with the line “ [This issue] would be better titled The Exclusionary Music Issue.” My point exactly. I am no longer pissed or surprised to see the same old shit, same old names and faces of people who know the secret City Paper handshake. I’m just glad to know I’m not the only one who sees it.
And if you can check out this article and comments from the Baltimore Sun from another unrepresented local artist.
http://weblogs.baltimoresun.com/entertainment/midnight_sun/blog/2008/02/city_paper_vs_steve_hefter.html
Again, it’s not that I’m stupid and think I should the one getting all kinds of coverage. It’s just that certain less-than-deserving groups seem to be getting that coverage all the time, with a reverence that should be reserved for…just about anything else.
And, and, and…the ballot for the City Paper Reader’s Poll came out today. I encourage you to fuck with them and put “The Parochialist” in for as many categories as you can. If I win something, I will be sure to wear my special hand-made Parochialist T-shirt to the Best of Baltimore party.
Thursday, June 12, 2008
Battered Reader Syndrome
You must know something about me--it propels everything that follows, everything I do, and everything I am.
I have a bad memory. I may forget your name, I may forget your birthday, your favorite food, favorite color, I might even forget what you look like. But I never, ever forget when somebody fucks with me.
And yet…I go through battered reader syndrome when it comes to City Paper. I pick it up on the week I have a show, thinking that maybe this time, maybe, just maybe, I will have earned a spot in The Short List (sometimes) or maybe the Baltimore Weekly Highlights (never). And then I’m just pissed at myself for running back into the arms of my abuser. And then I take a look at what they DID bother to mention in the “Highlights” of the Baltimore (let me repeat that…BALTIMORE) City Paper and what do I find for Wednesday, June 11?
Nothing. Nothing at all. It’s like Wednesday did not exist at all, and they skipped right to Thursday. O-kay. (I wasn’t expecting my show to be in the highlights, but you can’t tell me there wasn’t something that could have been put there for Wednesday. And, shit, if you didn’t have anything, you could have then plugged my show. Which of course, you never will.)
So let me check out the Short List of the BALTIMORE City Paper, and what did we find for Wednesday, June 11, 2008? A big plug for the Breeders show in WASHINGTON, D.C. For those of you unfamiliar with the geography of the area, let me simplify it. Baltimore is not in D.C. Baltimore is Baltimore. I know we are becoming occupied by yuppy fucks from D.C as they take our land and give us blankets with smallpox, but no matter what they do, this is still Baltimore. And D.C does not need our press. No disrespect meant to the Breeders, but like I said, that’s D.C. I had a show last night, too, which was pretty great in spite of the typical lack of coverage in that shit rag fuck of a City Paper. But we have given up our status as a city that supports the developing artist and musician and we are now chasing the money, courting the D.C crowd, hoping that one day we can eliminate those poor Baltimore people who keep blocking the view. And this starts with acting like D.C and Baltimore area really like the Twin Cities of the East Coast. They’re not.
So, in short, thank you for not even mentioning my show last night, in any meaningful way. I’m sure if I was a member of your little club, and knew the secret handshake, I could have gotten a full page in your paper. Like I said, I have a bad memory, but if you fuck with me I will never forget you.
I have a bad memory. I may forget your name, I may forget your birthday, your favorite food, favorite color, I might even forget what you look like. But I never, ever forget when somebody fucks with me.
And yet…I go through battered reader syndrome when it comes to City Paper. I pick it up on the week I have a show, thinking that maybe this time, maybe, just maybe, I will have earned a spot in The Short List (sometimes) or maybe the Baltimore Weekly Highlights (never). And then I’m just pissed at myself for running back into the arms of my abuser. And then I take a look at what they DID bother to mention in the “Highlights” of the Baltimore (let me repeat that…BALTIMORE) City Paper and what do I find for Wednesday, June 11?
Nothing. Nothing at all. It’s like Wednesday did not exist at all, and they skipped right to Thursday. O-kay. (I wasn’t expecting my show to be in the highlights, but you can’t tell me there wasn’t something that could have been put there for Wednesday. And, shit, if you didn’t have anything, you could have then plugged my show. Which of course, you never will.)
So let me check out the Short List of the BALTIMORE City Paper, and what did we find for Wednesday, June 11, 2008? A big plug for the Breeders show in WASHINGTON, D.C. For those of you unfamiliar with the geography of the area, let me simplify it. Baltimore is not in D.C. Baltimore is Baltimore. I know we are becoming occupied by yuppy fucks from D.C as they take our land and give us blankets with smallpox, but no matter what they do, this is still Baltimore. And D.C does not need our press. No disrespect meant to the Breeders, but like I said, that’s D.C. I had a show last night, too, which was pretty great in spite of the typical lack of coverage in that shit rag fuck of a City Paper. But we have given up our status as a city that supports the developing artist and musician and we are now chasing the money, courting the D.C crowd, hoping that one day we can eliminate those poor Baltimore people who keep blocking the view. And this starts with acting like D.C and Baltimore area really like the Twin Cities of the East Coast. They’re not.
So, in short, thank you for not even mentioning my show last night, in any meaningful way. I’m sure if I was a member of your little club, and knew the secret handshake, I could have gotten a full page in your paper. Like I said, I have a bad memory, but if you fuck with me I will never forget you.
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
Dark Thoughts...
City Paper is, of course, the original source of my rage. Hence, the whole “Parochialist” blog. But as I’ve gone on in doing this, I feel as though I have uncovered darker and darker truths about the city in which I live. Darker and darker forces that have threatened to turn Charm City into something I could never love. I’m talking about gentrification.
I have been promoting a show (Sidebar, June 11! And if you miss that…The Metro Gallery, June 14!) and as I walk around what used to be a dark outpost of Baltimore, Charles Village, has become a yuppy haven, complete with Starbucks and useless boutique-type stores. This is not news, we have all seen this (at least those of us who live here). But what is different now is a city that I used to love for its’ laissez-faire approach, its’ “as long as you’re not killing anybody we’ll leave you alone” attitude, is now falling in line with the Nazi-esque zero-tolerance attitude that is prevalent in other places. We have to make the city safe for Hopkins students, Yankees fans, and people from D.C. Fuck the people who’ve been living here all along.
Okay, I’ll admit: this little rant is coming about because just the other day I was stopped by the police for putting up a flyer and threatened with arrest if I did not take all my flyers down. All I could think the whole time I was keeping my mouth shut and letting Officer Hassle spew forth cop clichés was “really?” I have been flyering for a long time now and I have never, ever had anyone say one word about it. But because I did it in broad daylight, downtown, directly across from the Washington Monument, in what has become a pricey and increasingly unlivable area for normal folks (ten years ago many of my friends live in this area, and now they can’t afford it), I was stopped because I was apparently “trashing the city.” Whether this is true or not, all I could think was that this used to be a city where no one ever, ever gave a shit what you did. Cops left you alone because they had better things to do. But now…
Maybe I’m making too much of this. But all I know is that City Paper has been co-opted, Baltimore is getting sold out, Yankee fans and Red Sox fans are more important that Orioles fans who live here and suffer here, and if I get caught putting up flyers to promote myself, I am fucked. We’re all fucked.
I have been promoting a show (Sidebar, June 11! And if you miss that…The Metro Gallery, June 14!) and as I walk around what used to be a dark outpost of Baltimore, Charles Village, has become a yuppy haven, complete with Starbucks and useless boutique-type stores. This is not news, we have all seen this (at least those of us who live here). But what is different now is a city that I used to love for its’ laissez-faire approach, its’ “as long as you’re not killing anybody we’ll leave you alone” attitude, is now falling in line with the Nazi-esque zero-tolerance attitude that is prevalent in other places. We have to make the city safe for Hopkins students, Yankees fans, and people from D.C. Fuck the people who’ve been living here all along.
Okay, I’ll admit: this little rant is coming about because just the other day I was stopped by the police for putting up a flyer and threatened with arrest if I did not take all my flyers down. All I could think the whole time I was keeping my mouth shut and letting Officer Hassle spew forth cop clichés was “really?” I have been flyering for a long time now and I have never, ever had anyone say one word about it. But because I did it in broad daylight, downtown, directly across from the Washington Monument, in what has become a pricey and increasingly unlivable area for normal folks (ten years ago many of my friends live in this area, and now they can’t afford it), I was stopped because I was apparently “trashing the city.” Whether this is true or not, all I could think was that this used to be a city where no one ever, ever gave a shit what you did. Cops left you alone because they had better things to do. But now…
Maybe I’m making too much of this. But all I know is that City Paper has been co-opted, Baltimore is getting sold out, Yankee fans and Red Sox fans are more important that Orioles fans who live here and suffer here, and if I get caught putting up flyers to promote myself, I am fucked. We’re all fucked.
Monday, June 2, 2008
Whose Economy?
Sorry I haven’t posted in awhile.
Whose economy?
I am sick to death of hearing sportscasters and people in the media talking about how much the Yankees fans and Red Sox fans coming to Baltimore and invading our stadium HELPS THE ECONOMY. Fuck that. It doesn’t help my economy. It helps Peter Angelos’ economy. It helps overpriced hotels. It helps a few people sell some extra peanuts. Why the fuck should we care about that?
Fuck The B free daily paper. It is an even bigger piece of shit than the City Paper. I will elaborate in future editions of The Parochialist.
Go O’s!
Whose economy?
I am sick to death of hearing sportscasters and people in the media talking about how much the Yankees fans and Red Sox fans coming to Baltimore and invading our stadium HELPS THE ECONOMY. Fuck that. It doesn’t help my economy. It helps Peter Angelos’ economy. It helps overpriced hotels. It helps a few people sell some extra peanuts. Why the fuck should we care about that?
Fuck The B free daily paper. It is an even bigger piece of shit than the City Paper. I will elaborate in future editions of The Parochialist.
Go O’s!
Sunday, April 20, 2008
Are you fucking kidding me?
Apparently, according to Rolling Stone Magazine, Baltimore has the best music scene in America.
http://www.rollingstone.com/news/coverstory/20200609/page/34
Who knew? Is anyone else as annoyed by this as I am? Do you see any of the same old names, the same old shit, the unsupportive alternative bookstores (HINT HINT HINT N*****'s.) the obligatory mention of art school projects, Certain people who get not only the cover photograph but are mentioned twice in the listing??? And, omigod, a certain band shops at THRIFT STORES!!! What journalism!
Stroke, stroke, stroke, and repeat.
It's just like the City Paper, only worse.
Links!!!
Brian Morton's Blog
http://www.smirkingchimp.com/thread/13958
Movies
Charm City Cineaste
http://charmcitycineaste.blogspot.com/
Comics
This Modern World
http://www.thismodernworld.com/newest-comic/
The Maakies
http://www.maakies.com/
The Perry Bible Fellowship
http://www.pbfcomics.com/
Music/Events
Music listings.
http://patsdistrict.com/music_scene/maryland_music_scene.html
http://www.bmorelive.com/
Other Weekly Features
Michael Shermer’s E-Skeptic Newsletter!
www.skeptic.com/eskeptic/08-04-09.html
The Straight Dope--about a month's worth of dope.
http://www.straightdope.com/columns/080229.html
http://www.straightdope.com/columns/080307.html
http://www.straightdope.com/columns/080314.html
http://www.straightdope.com/columns/080321.html
http://www.straightdope.com/columns/080328.html
http://www.straightdope.com/columns/080411.html
Enjoy!
http://www.rollingstone.com/news/coverstory/20200609/page/34
Who knew? Is anyone else as annoyed by this as I am? Do you see any of the same old names, the same old shit, the unsupportive alternative bookstores (HINT HINT HINT N*****'s.) the obligatory mention of art school projects, Certain people who get not only the cover photograph but are mentioned twice in the listing??? And, omigod, a certain band shops at THRIFT STORES!!! What journalism!
Stroke, stroke, stroke, and repeat.
It's just like the City Paper, only worse.
Links!!!
Brian Morton's Blog
http://www.smirkingchimp.com/thread/13958
Movies
Charm City Cineaste
http://charmcitycineaste.blogspot.com/
Comics
This Modern World
http://www.thismodernworld.com/newest-comic/
The Maakies
http://www.maakies.com/
The Perry Bible Fellowship
http://www.pbfcomics.com/
Music/Events
Music listings.
http://patsdistrict.com/music_scene/maryland_music_scene.html
http://www.bmorelive.com/
Other Weekly Features
Michael Shermer’s E-Skeptic Newsletter!
www.skeptic.com/eskeptic/08-04-09.html
The Straight Dope--about a month's worth of dope.
http://www.straightdope.com/columns/080229.html
http://www.straightdope.com/columns/080307.html
http://www.straightdope.com/columns/080314.html
http://www.straightdope.com/columns/080321.html
http://www.straightdope.com/columns/080328.html
http://www.straightdope.com/columns/080411.html
Davezine #13
With
Low Level Bureaucrats 3:
The Rise of the Collective
(the conclusion of the Low Level Bureaucrats Trilogy)
40 pages,
$3
Available now!
at these fine stores:
Atomic Books
1100 W. 36th Street, Baltimore, MD 21211
www.atomicbooks.com
Reptilian Records
2545 N. Howard Street,
Baltimore, MD 21218
www.reptilianrecords.com
Enjoy!
Sunday, April 6, 2008
Let's not kid ourselves...
Last week's City Paper was a virtual stroke-fest for the powers-that-be here in Baltimore, as it highlighted the side projects of many of the same local "stars" it is always covering. As if certain groups in this town do not get enough exposure, now it is apparently City Paper's job to make sure there is no stone left unturned in their efforts to keep nepotism and in-crowd business as usual flourishing in this town.
Let's not kid ourselves when we gaze upon this piece of shit alternative weekly: it doesn't serve you or me.
Let me be clear: City Paper is a complete piece of shit, a shell of its former self. When I look upon its pages, I try to hold back the vomit that collects in my throat. I look at it because goddammmit, I am The Parochialist, and it is my duty to fight parochialism in all its many forms.
Links!!!
Brian Morton's Blog
http://www.smirkingchimp.com/thread/13958
Movies
Charm City Cineaste
http://charmcitycineaste.blogspot.com/
Comics
This Modern World
http://www.thismodernworld.com/newest-comic/
The Maakies
http://www.maakies.com/
The Perry Bible Fellowship
http://www.pbfcomics.com/
Music/Events
Music listings.
http://patsdistrict.com/music_scene/maryland_music_scene.html
http://www.bmorelive.com/
Other Weekly Features
Michael Shermer’s E-Skeptic Newsletter!
www.skeptic.com/eskeptic/08-04-09.html
The Straight Dope--about a month's worth of dope.
http://www.straightdope.com/columns/080229.html
http://www.straightdope.com/columns/080307.html
http://www.straightdope.com/columns/080314.html
http://www.straightdope.com/columns/080321.html
http://www.straightdope.com/columns/080328.html
http://www.straightdope.com/columns/080411.html
Davezine #13
With
Low Level Bureaucrats 3:
The Rise of the Collective
(the conclusion of the Low Level Bureaucrats Trilogy)
40 pages,
$3
Available now!
at these fine stores:
Atomic Books
1100 W. 36th Street, Baltimore, MD 21211
www.atomicbooks.com
Reptilian Records
2545 N. Howard Street,
Baltimore, MD 21218
www.reptilianrecords.com
Enjoy!
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Wanna know what I've been doing?
Hi,
As fearless leader of The Parochialist, it is of course my duty to post every week in response to the atrocities that come out of Park Avenue. While the last two weeks have been slack, it is not because I have been lazy. I have been hard at work putting out the latest Davezine, which pretty much sums up the position of us here at The Parochialist. It is a satirical take on the City Paper. The story is about how a City-Paper-like alternative weekly editor is kidnapped and brainwashed to promte a mysterious group known only as the Collective...who may or may not be pawns in a greater game that could result in the destruction of Beatown.
Enjoy!
Links!!!
Brian Morton's Blog
http://www.smirkingchimp.com/thread/13404
Movies
Charm City Cineaste
http://charmcitycineaste.blogspot.com/
Comics
This Modern World
http://www.thismodernworld.com/newest-comic/
The Maakies
http://www.maakies.com/
The Perry Bible Fellowship
http://www.pbfcomics.com/
Music/Events
Music listings.
http://patsdistrict.com/music_scene/maryland_music_scene.html
http://www.bmorelive.com/
Other Weekly Features
Michael Shermer’s E-Skeptic Newsletter!
www.skeptic.com/eskeptic/08-04-02.html
www.skeptic.com/eskeptic/08-03-19.html
The Straight Dope--about a month's worth of dope.
http://www.straightdope.com/columns/080229.html
http://www.straightdope.com/columns/080307.html
http://www.straightdope.com/columns/080314.html
http://www.straightdope.com/columns/080321.html
http://www.straightdope.com/columns/080328.html
As fearless leader of The Parochialist, it is of course my duty to post every week in response to the atrocities that come out of Park Avenue. While the last two weeks have been slack, it is not because I have been lazy. I have been hard at work putting out the latest Davezine, which pretty much sums up the position of us here at The Parochialist. It is a satirical take on the City Paper. The story is about how a City-Paper-like alternative weekly editor is kidnapped and brainwashed to promte a mysterious group known only as the Collective...who may or may not be pawns in a greater game that could result in the destruction of Beatown.
Davezine #13
With
Low Level Bureaucrats 3:
The Rise of the Collective
(the conclusion of the Low Level Bureaucrats Trilogy)
40 pages,
$3
Available now!
Order it now by going to my site and using PayPal.
www.daveygandthekeyboard.com
Or you can also send 3 dollars, plus a dollar for postage to me:
Dave Cookson
P.O Box 23568
Baltimore, MD
21203
I will send it to you immediately, if not sooner.
Or, finally, get it at these fine stores:
Atomic Books
1100 W. 36th Street, Baltimore, MD 21211
www.atomicbooks.com
Reptilian Records
2545 N. Howard Street,
Baltimore, MD 21218
www.reptilianrecords.com
Enjoy!
Links!!!
Brian Morton's Blog
http://www.smirkingchimp.com/thread/13404
Movies
Charm City Cineaste
http://charmcitycineaste.blogspot.com/
Comics
This Modern World
http://www.thismodernworld.com/newest-comic/
The Maakies
http://www.maakies.com/
The Perry Bible Fellowship
http://www.pbfcomics.com/
Music/Events
Music listings.
http://patsdistrict.com/music_scene/maryland_music_scene.html
http://www.bmorelive.com/
Other Weekly Features
Michael Shermer’s E-Skeptic Newsletter!
www.skeptic.com/eskeptic/08-04-02.html
www.skeptic.com/eskeptic/08-03-19.html
The Straight Dope--about a month's worth of dope.
http://www.straightdope.com/columns/080229.html
http://www.straightdope.com/columns/080307.html
http://www.straightdope.com/columns/080314.html
http://www.straightdope.com/columns/080321.html
http://www.straightdope.com/columns/080328.html
Thursday, March 13, 2008
The first Parochialist crossword! Try it!
Okay, it ain't much. Click on it, then print it out! Fun for at least one member of your family! E-mail me for the answers! I might give them to you! Really, try it!
Links!!!
Brian Morton's Blog
http://www.smirkingchimp.com/thread/13404
Movies
Charm City Cineaste
http://charmcitycineaste.blogspot.com/
Comics
This Modern World
http://www.thismodernworld.com/newest-comic/
The Maakies
http://www.maakies.com/
The Perry Bible Fellowship
http://www.pbfcomics.com/
Music/Events
Music listings.
http://patsdistrict.com/music_scene/maryland_music_scene.html
http://www.bmorelive.com/
Other Weekly Features
Michael Shermer’s E-Skeptic Newsletter!
www.skeptic.com/eskeptic/08-03-12.html
The Straight Dope
http://www.straightdope.com/columns/080229.html
Thursday, March 6, 2008
A Parochialist cameo in the new Davezine!
More from my upcoming Davezine about the City Paper.
Dear Beatown Weekly,
I have been reading your paper for about ten years now and have always found it a lively source of insightful commentary and entertainment. However, within the last six months I have noticed a change in your coverage. It seems that all you do now is cover the latest news of the Collective. From what I can tell, you are no longer covering any other artists or musicians who are not involved in the Collective.
As a Euro-Centric Caucasian Male, I realize that my needs are no longer represented by the BW. Therefore I will be forced to not pick up your free paper, and I will not know about any of the events around town. I will sit in my studio apartment, make obscene phone calls, and wish that I was dead.---signed, The Parochialist.
Davezine #13 will be available March 31st!
Links!!!
Brian Morton's Blog
http://www.smirkingchimp.com/thread/13267
Movies
Charm City Cineaste
http://charmcitycineaste.blogspot.com/
Comics
This Modern World
http://www.thismodernworld.com/newest-comic/
The Maakies
http://www.maakies.com/
The Perry Bible Fellowship
http://www.pbfcomics.com/
Music/Events
Music listings.
http://patsdistrict.com/music_scene/maryland_music_scene.html
http://www.bmorelive.com/
Other Weekly Features
Michael Shermer’s E-Skeptic Newsletter!
www.skeptic.com/eskeptic/08-03-05.html
The Straight Dope
http://www.straightdope.com/columns/080229.html
Thursday, February 28, 2008
A Parochialist exclusive! A Davezine preview!
Some of you may have noticed there wasn’t a post last week, and for that, I apologize. I’ve been working on something big, something that has taken up a lot of my anti-City Paper rage. Now, for the first time, I present to you the prologue to my new story about the City Paper, the full version will be out next month in Davezine 13.
Low Level Bureaucrats 3: The Rise of the Collective
Prologue
One issue of last week’s Beatown Weekly hung in the window of the red paper box on the corner of 30th and Martin, just hours before a new batch of issues would arrive. It was unusual for Beatown Weekly to remain in the box for so long, but this had been a slow week--the second week of October typically was, and it didn’t help that the rain that had been beating the box for days had been steadily soaking the edges of the display paper.
At Another Planet Café, the last paper had been picked up about thirty minutes after a stack had been dropped off. At the Corner Deli, the last paper was gone within 2 days. At O’Reilly’s Pub, the last issue was being used to sop up vomit from one of it’s patrons.
The issues that had made it into the hands of Beatown residents had directed many of them to a whole range of activities over the weekend. And now, Tuesday night, the new one was only hours away.
*
I gotta go home, thought Darth Rexman, the goateed, mid-thirties editor of the Beatown Weekly. He drained the last of his coffee as he pored over the prototype of the latest issue. He stared out the window into the Beatown night, and saw a bum peeing in an alley, then watched as a police officer came upon him to “ask him a few questions.” It was all part of the “zero-shenanigans” police policy that had been in place since the O’Flannery administration.
Rexman watched the mini-drama unfold as the bum looked for his apparently non-existent ID card, and then was summarily handcuffed and detained, to await the appearance of the Beatown Paddy Wagon.
Rexman looked on, disgusted with what had become of this city since O’Flannery had taken charge. This was his legacy: a place where everyone gets locked up, and nobody can park anywhere.
It was late, and he was tired. But now he was inspired.
He began to write.
At 12:30 a.m, after letting out a big, wide, expansive yawn, Rexman decided to call it a day. It was frustrating when things weren’t right. But he supposed that was the sign that he was on the right track, for being completely satisfied with ones work leads to completely unsatisfactory work. Or so said that stupid “self-affirmation” sign above his desk.
He shut off the lights and headed down the three flights of stairs.
Rexman, still locked in his thoughts about this week’s issue, found his beat up old Civic right where he left it, now the only vehicle on the floor of the parking garage. He pulled out his key and headed toward it, thankful to be at the end of long day and wondering if his wife would forgive him again for coming home so late.
He slumped down in the seat of the Civic and put the key in the ignition, when he felt a cold sweaty hand over his mouth, and a sharp pain in his neck, and then…blackness.
*
A few minutes later Rexman came to. Where am I? His hands were bound by duct-tape as he realized he was in the tiny backseat of his own car, which someone else was driving. He looked at the driver. “Who are you? Where are you taking me?”
The driver kept his eyes on the road, not turning his head. “Relax, Mr. Rexman.” The voice was raspy, cold. Rexman could see the man had a gaping hole of baldness on the top of his head, and what little hair was left was totally gray.
“Who are you?” he repeated.
“Well, Mr. Rexman, we’re just gonna take a little drive, so just relax. As for my name? Love. Karl Love.”
Read Low Level Bureaucrats 3: The Rise of the Collective in next month's issue of Davezine #13!!!
Links!!!
Brian Morton's Blog
http://www.smirkingchimp.com/thread/13120
Movies
Charm City Cineaste
http://charmcitycineaste.blogspot.com/
Comics
This Modern World
http://www.thismodernworld.com/newest-comic/
The Maakies
http://www.maakies.com/
The Perry Bible Fellowship
http://www.pbfcomics.com/
Music/Events
Music listings.
http://patsdistrict.com/music_scene/maryland_music_scene.html
http://www.bmorelive.com/
Other Weekly Features
Michael Shermer’s E-Skeptic Newsletter!
www.skeptic.com/eskeptic/08-02-27.html
The Straight Dope
http://www.straightdope.com/columns/080222.html
Anything you think I should link to? Drop me a note!
Low Level Bureaucrats 3: The Rise of the Collective
Prologue
One issue of last week’s Beatown Weekly hung in the window of the red paper box on the corner of 30th and Martin, just hours before a new batch of issues would arrive. It was unusual for Beatown Weekly to remain in the box for so long, but this had been a slow week--the second week of October typically was, and it didn’t help that the rain that had been beating the box for days had been steadily soaking the edges of the display paper.
At Another Planet Café, the last paper had been picked up about thirty minutes after a stack had been dropped off. At the Corner Deli, the last paper was gone within 2 days. At O’Reilly’s Pub, the last issue was being used to sop up vomit from one of it’s patrons.
The issues that had made it into the hands of Beatown residents had directed many of them to a whole range of activities over the weekend. And now, Tuesday night, the new one was only hours away.
*
I gotta go home, thought Darth Rexman, the goateed, mid-thirties editor of the Beatown Weekly. He drained the last of his coffee as he pored over the prototype of the latest issue. He stared out the window into the Beatown night, and saw a bum peeing in an alley, then watched as a police officer came upon him to “ask him a few questions.” It was all part of the “zero-shenanigans” police policy that had been in place since the O’Flannery administration.
Rexman watched the mini-drama unfold as the bum looked for his apparently non-existent ID card, and then was summarily handcuffed and detained, to await the appearance of the Beatown Paddy Wagon.
Rexman looked on, disgusted with what had become of this city since O’Flannery had taken charge. This was his legacy: a place where everyone gets locked up, and nobody can park anywhere.
It was late, and he was tired. But now he was inspired.
He began to write.
At 12:30 a.m, after letting out a big, wide, expansive yawn, Rexman decided to call it a day. It was frustrating when things weren’t right. But he supposed that was the sign that he was on the right track, for being completely satisfied with ones work leads to completely unsatisfactory work. Or so said that stupid “self-affirmation” sign above his desk.
He shut off the lights and headed down the three flights of stairs.
Rexman, still locked in his thoughts about this week’s issue, found his beat up old Civic right where he left it, now the only vehicle on the floor of the parking garage. He pulled out his key and headed toward it, thankful to be at the end of long day and wondering if his wife would forgive him again for coming home so late.
He slumped down in the seat of the Civic and put the key in the ignition, when he felt a cold sweaty hand over his mouth, and a sharp pain in his neck, and then…blackness.
*
A few minutes later Rexman came to. Where am I? His hands were bound by duct-tape as he realized he was in the tiny backseat of his own car, which someone else was driving. He looked at the driver. “Who are you? Where are you taking me?”
The driver kept his eyes on the road, not turning his head. “Relax, Mr. Rexman.” The voice was raspy, cold. Rexman could see the man had a gaping hole of baldness on the top of his head, and what little hair was left was totally gray.
“Who are you?” he repeated.
“Well, Mr. Rexman, we’re just gonna take a little drive, so just relax. As for my name? Love. Karl Love.”
Read Low Level Bureaucrats 3: The Rise of the Collective in next month's issue of Davezine #13!!!
Links!!!
Brian Morton's Blog
http://www.smirkingchimp.com/thread/13120
Movies
Charm City Cineaste
http://charmcitycineaste.blogspot.com/
Comics
This Modern World
http://www.thismodernworld.com/newest-comic/
The Maakies
http://www.maakies.com/
The Perry Bible Fellowship
http://www.pbfcomics.com/
Music/Events
Music listings.
http://patsdistrict.com/music_scene/maryland_music_scene.html
http://www.bmorelive.com/
Other Weekly Features
Michael Shermer’s E-Skeptic Newsletter!
www.skeptic.com/eskeptic/08-02-27.html
The Straight Dope
http://www.straightdope.com/columns/080222.html
Anything you think I should link to? Drop me a note!
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Valentines Day= 14 days into the Maryland Smoking Ban.
Barflies pissed and moaned about how the smoking ban would kill bar business. Right. You already had the option of just staying home to drink, but you didn’t. Because you need to come to the bar. Because your needy soul has to come out and be with the other needy souls. You ever wonder why bars have high chairs? Because barflies are like babies, needing constant attention and validation.
You can’t smoke at any bar in this state. Where the fuck are the smokers going to go--Delaware?
“Hey, fuck this Maryland shit, I’m gonna get in my car, drive an hour to Delaware so I can drink and smoke at the same time. I just gotta gas up my car, get some money for tolls, get a room for the night so I don’t get pulled over by the cops on my way home, and…aww, fuck it, I guess I’ll just go outside and smoke.”
What was that? I couldn’t hear you past the crowds of people in this bar who aren’t smoking.
I hate cigar smokers--unless you’re Starbuck on Battlestar Galactica. Or maybe Tom Selleck. Something about every cigar smoker I’ve ever met in real life is the same. The same attention-getting, obnoxious manner, the “let’s piss off everyone around me because it makes me feel important” attitude. But now, because of the smoking ban, I will never have to deal with this again. I will not miss this.
(ps--I do not hate smokers. I just hate stupid arguments.)
Links!!!
Brian Morton's Blog
http://www.smirkingchimp.com/thread/12831
Movies
Charm City Cineaste
http://charmcitycineaste.blogspot.com/
Comics
This Modern World
http://www.thismodernworld.com/newest-comic/
The Maakies
http://www.maakies.com/
The Perry Bible Fellowship
http://www.pbfcomics.com/
Music/Events
Music listings.
http://patsdistrict.com/music_scene/maryland_music_scene.html
http://www.bmorelive.com/
Other Weekly Features
Michael Shermer’s E-Skeptic Newsletter!
www.skeptic.com/eskeptic/08-02-13.html
The Straight Dope
http://www.straightdope.com/columns/080215.html
Anything you think I should link to? Drop me a note!
You can’t smoke at any bar in this state. Where the fuck are the smokers going to go--Delaware?
“Hey, fuck this Maryland shit, I’m gonna get in my car, drive an hour to Delaware so I can drink and smoke at the same time. I just gotta gas up my car, get some money for tolls, get a room for the night so I don’t get pulled over by the cops on my way home, and…aww, fuck it, I guess I’ll just go outside and smoke.”
What was that? I couldn’t hear you past the crowds of people in this bar who aren’t smoking.
I hate cigar smokers--unless you’re Starbuck on Battlestar Galactica. Or maybe Tom Selleck. Something about every cigar smoker I’ve ever met in real life is the same. The same attention-getting, obnoxious manner, the “let’s piss off everyone around me because it makes me feel important” attitude. But now, because of the smoking ban, I will never have to deal with this again. I will not miss this.
(ps--I do not hate smokers. I just hate stupid arguments.)
Links!!!
Brian Morton's Blog
http://www.smirkingchimp.com/thread/12831
Movies
Charm City Cineaste
http://charmcitycineaste.blogspot.com/
Comics
This Modern World
http://www.thismodernworld.com/newest-comic/
The Maakies
http://www.maakies.com/
The Perry Bible Fellowship
http://www.pbfcomics.com/
Music/Events
Music listings.
http://patsdistrict.com/music_scene/maryland_music_scene.html
http://www.bmorelive.com/
Other Weekly Features
Michael Shermer’s E-Skeptic Newsletter!
www.skeptic.com/eskeptic/08-02-13.html
The Straight Dope
http://www.straightdope.com/columns/080215.html
Anything you think I should link to? Drop me a note!
Thursday, February 7, 2008
Jury Duty
I went to jury duty this week, and was extremely fortunate to have a number that was in the middle of the pack: just high enough to only get picked for one panel, and then when I was getting close to beign drafted for a two day trial (having no acceptable excuses that would get me out of it), my number was high enough to avoid it. Sheer luck of the draw. Apparently, none of my stories about being mugged or assaulted in Baltimore are good enough to excuse me from a criminal trial.
The good news is, the bad stuff that has happened to me (and any person who has lived in Baltimore long enough has been mugged or assaulted at least once) is pretty much forgotten and doesn't haunt me. The bad news is that it doesn't get me off of jury duty. I feel like there is some sort of political point to make in here, but for now, that's just a little story.
Links!!!
New Brian Morton’s Blog--this week he puts out an endorsement for the Md Primary.
http://www.smirkingchimp.com/thread/12675
Movies
Charm City Cineaste--January films viewed by the Cineaste.
http://charmcitycineaste.blogspot.com/
Comics
This Modern World
http://www.thismodernworld.com/newest-comic/
The Maakies
http://www.maakies.com/
The Perry Bible Fellowship
http://www.pbfcomics.com/
Music/Events
Music listings.
http://patsdistrict.com/music_scene/maryland_music_scene.html
http://www.bmorelive.com/
Other Weekly Features
Michael Shermer’s E-Skeptic Newsletter!
www.skeptic.com/eskeptic/08-02-06.html
Anything you think I should link to? Drop me a note!
The good news is, the bad stuff that has happened to me (and any person who has lived in Baltimore long enough has been mugged or assaulted at least once) is pretty much forgotten and doesn't haunt me. The bad news is that it doesn't get me off of jury duty. I feel like there is some sort of political point to make in here, but for now, that's just a little story.
Links!!!
New Brian Morton’s Blog--this week he puts out an endorsement for the Md Primary.
http://www.smirkingchimp.com/thread/12675
Movies
Charm City Cineaste--January films viewed by the Cineaste.
http://charmcitycineaste.blogspot.com/
Comics
This Modern World
http://www.thismodernworld.com/newest-comic/
The Maakies
http://www.maakies.com/
The Perry Bible Fellowship
http://www.pbfcomics.com/
Music/Events
Music listings.
http://patsdistrict.com/music_scene/maryland_music_scene.html
http://www.bmorelive.com/
Other Weekly Features
Michael Shermer’s E-Skeptic Newsletter!
www.skeptic.com/eskeptic/08-02-06.html
Anything you think I should link to? Drop me a note!
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Parochialism in real life.
One thing I can’t stand: People who say “I don’t know, that was before I was born.” As if their birth was the beginning of all responsibility for knowledge of history. So terribly parochial. Ignorance should be a source of shame, not pride. I mean, I’m self-centered, but I don’t believe that my knowledge of history should be limited to the years in which I have existed. That would be truly narcissistic.
And while we’re on the topic: I am sick to death of these mutherfucking kids on my street screaming their business out the window, on the street, to the point where I know more things about them than I care to. I feel like doing a little screaming myself. It would go like this:
“Hey kids: your shitty-going-nowhere-fast lives do not interest me, so would you mind keeping them to yourselves?”
And I really hate the fact that those same kids hang out all year, even in the rain, with absolutely no special occasions to ever distinguish one day from the next. It reminds me of my first roommate, who dated a 15 year old. (he was 18, and yes, that technically is statutory rape). Because of the fact that she still lived with her parents (like you’re supposed to when you’re 15) they were always at our apartment. Not once in the year and a half I lived with him did he ever spend the night anywhere else. Just like those damn kids: never anywhere to be, never anything to look forward to.
This is parochialism, and this is what I’m here to fight!
--The Parochialist.
Links!!!
New Brian Morton’s Blog
http://www.smirkingchimp.com/thread/12517
Movies
Charm City Cineaste
http://charmcitycineaste.blogspot.com/
Comics
This Modern World
http://www.thismodernworld.com/newest-comic/
The Maakies
http://www.maakies.com/
The Perry Bible Fellowship
http://www.pbfcomics.com/
Music/Events
Music listings.
http://patsdistrict.com/music_scene/maryland_music_scene.html
http://www.bmorelive.com/
Other Weekly Features
Michael Shermer’s E-Skeptic Newsletter!
www.skeptic.com/eskeptic/08-01-30.html
The Straight Dope
http://www.straightdope.com/columns/080201.html
Anything you think I should link to? Drop me a note!
And while we’re on the topic: I am sick to death of these mutherfucking kids on my street screaming their business out the window, on the street, to the point where I know more things about them than I care to. I feel like doing a little screaming myself. It would go like this:
“Hey kids: your shitty-going-nowhere-fast lives do not interest me, so would you mind keeping them to yourselves?”
And I really hate the fact that those same kids hang out all year, even in the rain, with absolutely no special occasions to ever distinguish one day from the next. It reminds me of my first roommate, who dated a 15 year old. (he was 18, and yes, that technically is statutory rape). Because of the fact that she still lived with her parents (like you’re supposed to when you’re 15) they were always at our apartment. Not once in the year and a half I lived with him did he ever spend the night anywhere else. Just like those damn kids: never anywhere to be, never anything to look forward to.
This is parochialism, and this is what I’m here to fight!
--The Parochialist.
Links!!!
New Brian Morton’s Blog
http://www.smirkingchimp.com/thread/12517
Movies
Charm City Cineaste
http://charmcitycineaste.blogspot.com/
Comics
This Modern World
http://www.thismodernworld.com/newest-comic/
The Maakies
http://www.maakies.com/
The Perry Bible Fellowship
http://www.pbfcomics.com/
Music/Events
Music listings.
http://patsdistrict.com/music_scene/maryland_music_scene.html
http://www.bmorelive.com/
Other Weekly Features
Michael Shermer’s E-Skeptic Newsletter!
www.skeptic.com/eskeptic/08-01-30.html
The Straight Dope
http://www.straightdope.com/columns/080201.html
Anything you think I should link to? Drop me a note!
Friday, January 25, 2008
Auto Pilot
Some updated links for regular Readers of The Parochialist.
Brian Morton’s Blog
http://www.smirkingchimp.com/thread/12365
Movies
Charm City Cineaste
http://charmcitycineaste.blogspot.com/
Comics
This Modern World
http://www.thismodernworld.com/newest-comic/
The Maakies
http://www.maakies.com/
The Perry Bible Fellowship
http://www.pbfcomics.com/
Music/Events
A good music listing site.
http://patsdistrict.com/music_scene/maryland_music_scene.html
http://www.bmorelive.com/
Michael Shermer’s E-Skeptic Newsletter!
www.skeptic.com/eskeptic/08-01-23.html
The Straight Dope
http://www.straightdope.com/columns/080125.html
Brian Morton’s Blog
http://www.smirkingchimp.com/thread/12365
Movies
Charm City Cineaste
http://charmcitycineaste.blogspot.com/
Comics
This Modern World
http://www.thismodernworld.com/newest-comic/
The Maakies
http://www.maakies.com/
The Perry Bible Fellowship
http://www.pbfcomics.com/
Music/Events
A good music listing site.
http://patsdistrict.com/music_scene/maryland_music_scene.html
http://www.bmorelive.com/
Michael Shermer’s E-Skeptic Newsletter!
www.skeptic.com/eskeptic/08-01-23.html
The Straight Dope
http://www.straightdope.com/columns/080125.html
Thursday, January 17, 2008
****c ******y is worse than ***y ****r
Nothing notable in the CP lately, at least, not anything that haven’t already complained about. But don’t worry--like a seven on a craps table, it’s coming. The next obnoxious article will be there.
At any rate, 2008 may see a change in The Parochialist, as I broaden my horizons of parochialism to include things that have nothing to do with CP. Like last week, the first post of the year, which was devoted entirely to another publication. You see? I’ve grown. I’ve changed.
Links!!!
Brian Morton’s Blog
http://www.smirkingchimp.com/thread/12214
Movies
Charm City Cineaste
http://charmcitycineaste.blogspot.com/
Comics
This Modern World
http://www.thismodernworld.com/newest-comic/
The Maakies
http://www.maakies.com/
The Perry Bible Fellowship
http://www.pbfcomics.com/
Music/Events
A good music listing site.
http://patsdistrict.com/music_scene/maryland_music_scene.html
http://www.bmorelive.com/
Michael Shermer’s E-Skeptic Newsletter!
www.skeptic.com/eskeptic/08-01-16.html
The Straight Dope
http://www.straightdope.com/columns/080118.html
At any rate, 2008 may see a change in The Parochialist, as I broaden my horizons of parochialism to include things that have nothing to do with CP. Like last week, the first post of the year, which was devoted entirely to another publication. You see? I’ve grown. I’ve changed.
Links!!!
Brian Morton’s Blog
http://www.smirkingchimp.com/thread/12214
Movies
Charm City Cineaste
http://charmcitycineaste.blogspot.com/
Comics
This Modern World
http://www.thismodernworld.com/newest-comic/
The Maakies
http://www.maakies.com/
The Perry Bible Fellowship
http://www.pbfcomics.com/
Music/Events
A good music listing site.
http://patsdistrict.com/music_scene/maryland_music_scene.html
http://www.bmorelive.com/
Michael Shermer’s E-Skeptic Newsletter!
www.skeptic.com/eskeptic/08-01-16.html
The Straight Dope
http://www.straightdope.com/columns/080118.html
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
Rage against bad critics!
Hey, I’m back!
I will admit that this week it is hard to be angry at City Paper, because my anger has been raised by a much lesser paper, which makes CP look like the New York Times. This lesser paper, which is read by approximately 12 people, printed a scathing, badly written, unsupported load of crap review about my musical project. It was lazy, unnecessarily mean (what can I say? if you don’t get that it’s a joke, you might not enjoy it) and contained at least two very big mistakes--and I quote,
“His Myspace page says that he is similar to Weird Al. That is an understatement.”
Um, honeybun, what you meant to say in your little insult of me, is that this is an OVERstatement. As in, "this guy thinks he's the next Weird Al, but that is an overstatement, because he sucks." But that’s okay--nobody’s reading your paper anyway.
And:
“The lyrics, if you can call them that are immature and out and out stupid.”
Lyrics (plural noun)
1. music song words: the words of a song, especially a popular song (often used in the plural)
Encarta ® World English Dictionary © & (P) 1998-2004 Microsoft Corporation. All rights reserved.
I believe that whether you like what I have to say or not, they are, in fact LYRICS. I am sorry if this person didn’t like my words, but don’t turn around and claim that they do not even count as lyrics. That is what is immature and stupid.
It just pissed me off because criticism should really follow a three step model:
1. what was the artist trying to do?
2. Did the artist accomplish the goal? And
3. Was the goal worth accomplishing?
I can accept negative but valid criticism--indeed, I’ve gotten it in the past and I have learned from it. But this little shitting on of Davey G and the Keyboard just started with the fact that this person did not like the fact that my whole act is done with a Casio keyboard. Because that “proves music is just a hobby, or just something to waste his time.” (actual quote) Because, in this personal's somewhat parochial view, if you’re trying to do comedy, you are obviously wasting your time.
I realize that responding to criticism is also a waste of time, so I am not printing this paper’s name or URL. If you find it, kudos to you. I merely offer them a big “fuck you.” No one reads them, no one cares, and even though that paper came out last month, no one brought it to my attention or even realized it existed. As much as I don’t like City Paper, if they had reviewed me, people would have been calling me first thing Wednesday morning to tell me about it. Maybe I need to lay off on them for awhile…
(Hey, I am angry!!! Just not at City Paper!)
See you next week!
Links!!!
Brian Morton’s Blog
http://www.smirkingchimp.com/thread/12045
This is last weeks’.
http://www.smirkingchimp.com/thread/11890
Movies
Charm City Cineaste
http://charmcitycineaste.blogspot.com/
Comics
This Modern World
http://www.thismodernworld.com/newest-comic/
The Maakies
http://www.maakies.com/
The Perry Bible Fellowship
http://www.pbfcomics.com/
Music/Events
A good music listing site.
http://patsdistrict.com/music_scene/maryland_music_scene.html
http://www.bmorelive.com/
Michael Shermer’s E-Skeptic Newsletter!
www.skeptic.com/eskeptic/08-01-08.html
I will admit that this week it is hard to be angry at City Paper, because my anger has been raised by a much lesser paper, which makes CP look like the New York Times. This lesser paper, which is read by approximately 12 people, printed a scathing, badly written, unsupported load of crap review about my musical project. It was lazy, unnecessarily mean (what can I say? if you don’t get that it’s a joke, you might not enjoy it) and contained at least two very big mistakes--and I quote,
“His Myspace page says that he is similar to Weird Al. That is an understatement.”
Um, honeybun, what you meant to say in your little insult of me, is that this is an OVERstatement. As in, "this guy thinks he's the next Weird Al, but that is an overstatement, because he sucks." But that’s okay--nobody’s reading your paper anyway.
And:
“The lyrics, if you can call them that are immature and out and out stupid.”
Lyrics (plural noun)
1. music song words: the words of a song, especially a popular song (often used in the plural)
Encarta ® World English Dictionary © & (P) 1998-2004 Microsoft Corporation. All rights reserved.
I believe that whether you like what I have to say or not, they are, in fact LYRICS. I am sorry if this person didn’t like my words, but don’t turn around and claim that they do not even count as lyrics. That is what is immature and stupid.
It just pissed me off because criticism should really follow a three step model:
1. what was the artist trying to do?
2. Did the artist accomplish the goal? And
3. Was the goal worth accomplishing?
I can accept negative but valid criticism--indeed, I’ve gotten it in the past and I have learned from it. But this little shitting on of Davey G and the Keyboard just started with the fact that this person did not like the fact that my whole act is done with a Casio keyboard. Because that “proves music is just a hobby, or just something to waste his time.” (actual quote) Because, in this personal's somewhat parochial view, if you’re trying to do comedy, you are obviously wasting your time.
I realize that responding to criticism is also a waste of time, so I am not printing this paper’s name or URL. If you find it, kudos to you. I merely offer them a big “fuck you.” No one reads them, no one cares, and even though that paper came out last month, no one brought it to my attention or even realized it existed. As much as I don’t like City Paper, if they had reviewed me, people would have been calling me first thing Wednesday morning to tell me about it. Maybe I need to lay off on them for awhile…
(Hey, I am angry!!! Just not at City Paper!)
See you next week!
Links!!!
Brian Morton’s Blog
http://www.smirkingchimp.com/thread/12045
This is last weeks’.
http://www.smirkingchimp.com/thread/11890
Movies
Charm City Cineaste
http://charmcitycineaste.blogspot.com/
Comics
This Modern World
http://www.thismodernworld.com/newest-comic/
The Maakies
http://www.maakies.com/
The Perry Bible Fellowship
http://www.pbfcomics.com/
Music/Events
A good music listing site.
http://patsdistrict.com/music_scene/maryland_music_scene.html
http://www.bmorelive.com/
Michael Shermer’s E-Skeptic Newsletter!
www.skeptic.com/eskeptic/08-01-08.html
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About Me
- Davey G.
- Davey G and the...is the handle for writer, performer, musician and sports fan, David G. Cookson. This blog (as the late George Carlin would say) is just a place for his stuff.