A Parochialist exclusive! A Davezine preview!

Some of you may have noticed there wasn’t a post last week, and for that, I apologize. I’ve been working on something big, something that has taken up a lot of my anti-City Paper rage. Now, for the first time, I present to you the prologue to my new story about the City Paper, the full version will be out next month in Davezine 13.
Low Level Bureaucrats 3: The Rise of the Collective


Prologue
One issue of last week’s Beatown Weekly hung in the window of the red paper box on the corner of 30th and Martin, just hours before a new batch of issues would arrive. It was unusual for Beatown Weekly to remain in the box for so long, but this had been a slow week--the second week of October typically was, and it didn’t help that the rain that had been beating the box for days had been steadily soaking the edges of the display paper.

At Another Planet Café, the last paper had been picked up about thirty minutes after a stack had been dropped off. At the Corner Deli, the last paper was gone within 2 days. At O’Reilly’s Pub, the last issue was being used to sop up vomit from one of it’s patrons.

The issues that had made it into the hands of Beatown residents had directed many of them to a whole range of activities over the weekend. And now, Tuesday night, the new one was only hours away.

*
I gotta go home, thought Darth Rexman, the goateed, mid-thirties editor of the Beatown Weekly. He drained the last of his coffee as he pored over the prototype of the latest issue. He stared out the window into the Beatown night, and saw a bum peeing in an alley, then watched as a police officer came upon him to “ask him a few questions.” It was all part of the “zero-shenanigans” police policy that had been in place since the O’Flannery administration.

Rexman watched the mini-drama unfold as the bum looked for his apparently non-existent ID card, and then was summarily handcuffed and detained, to await the appearance of the Beatown Paddy Wagon.

Rexman looked on, disgusted with what had become of this city since O’Flannery had taken charge. This was his legacy: a place where everyone gets locked up, and nobody can park anywhere.

It was late, and he was tired. But now he was inspired.

He began to write.

At 12:30 a.m, after letting out a big, wide, expansive yawn, Rexman decided to call it a day. It was frustrating when things weren’t right. But he supposed that was the sign that he was on the right track, for being completely satisfied with ones work leads to completely unsatisfactory work. Or so said that stupid “self-affirmation” sign above his desk.

He shut off the lights and headed down the three flights of stairs.

Rexman, still locked in his thoughts about this week’s issue, found his beat up old Civic right where he left it, now the only vehicle on the floor of the parking garage. He pulled out his key and headed toward it, thankful to be at the end of long day and wondering if his wife would forgive him again for coming home so late.

He slumped down in the seat of the Civic and put the key in the ignition, when he felt a cold sweaty hand over his mouth, and a sharp pain in his neck, and then…blackness.

*
A few minutes later Rexman came to. Where am I? His hands were bound by duct-tape as he realized he was in the tiny backseat of his own car, which someone else was driving. He looked at the driver. “Who are you? Where are you taking me?”

The driver kept his eyes on the road, not turning his head. “Relax, Mr. Rexman.” The voice was raspy, cold. Rexman could see the man had a gaping hole of baldness on the top of his head, and what little hair was left was totally gray.

“Who are you?” he repeated.

“Well, Mr. Rexman, we’re just gonna take a little drive, so just relax. As for my name? Love. Karl Love.”

Read Low Level Bureaucrats 3: The Rise of the Collective in next month's issue of Davezine #13!!!

Links!!!
Brian Morton's Blog
http://www.smirkingchimp.com/thread/13120

Movies
Charm City Cineaste
http://charmcitycineaste.blogspot.com/

Comics
This Modern World
http://www.thismodernworld.com/newest-comic/

The Maakies
http://www.maakies.com/

The Perry Bible Fellowship
http://www.pbfcomics.com/

Music/Events

Music listings.
http://patsdistrict.com/music_scene/maryland_music_scene.html
http://www.bmorelive.com/

Other Weekly Features
Michael Shermer’s E-Skeptic Newsletter!
www.skeptic.com/eskeptic/08-02-27.html

The Straight Dope
http://www.straightdope.com/columns/080222.html


Anything you think I should link to? Drop me a note!

Valentines Day= 14 days into the Maryland Smoking Ban.

Barflies pissed and moaned about how the smoking ban would kill bar business. Right. You already had the option of just staying home to drink, but you didn’t. Because you need to come to the bar. Because your needy soul has to come out and be with the other needy souls. You ever wonder why bars have high chairs? Because barflies are like babies, needing constant attention and validation.

You can’t smoke at any bar in this state. Where the fuck are the smokers going to go--Delaware?
“Hey, fuck this Maryland shit, I’m gonna get in my car, drive an hour to Delaware so I can drink and smoke at the same time. I just gotta gas up my car, get some money for tolls, get a room for the night so I don’t get pulled over by the cops on my way home, and…aww, fuck it, I guess I’ll just go outside and smoke.”
What was that? I couldn’t hear you past the crowds of people in this bar who aren’t smoking.

I hate cigar smokers--unless you’re Starbuck on Battlestar Galactica. Or maybe Tom Selleck. Something about every cigar smoker I’ve ever met in real life is the same. The same attention-getting, obnoxious manner, the “let’s piss off everyone around me because it makes me feel important” attitude. But now, because of the smoking ban, I will never have to deal with this again. I will not miss this.

(ps--I do not hate smokers. I just hate stupid arguments.)


Links!!!
Brian Morton's Blog
http://www.smirkingchimp.com/thread/12831

Movies
Charm City Cineaste
http://charmcitycineaste.blogspot.com/

Comics
This Modern World
http://www.thismodernworld.com/newest-comic/

The Maakies
http://www.maakies.com/

The Perry Bible Fellowship
http://www.pbfcomics.com/

Music/Events

Music listings.
http://patsdistrict.com/music_scene/maryland_music_scene.html
http://www.bmorelive.com/

Other Weekly Features
Michael Shermer’s E-Skeptic Newsletter!
www.skeptic.com/eskeptic/08-02-13.html

The Straight Dope
http://www.straightdope.com/columns/080215.html



Anything you think I should link to? Drop me a note!

Jury Duty

I went to jury duty this week, and was extremely fortunate to have a number that was in the middle of the pack: just high enough to only get picked for one panel, and then when I was getting close to beign drafted for a two day trial (having no acceptable excuses that would get me out of it), my number was high enough to avoid it. Sheer luck of the draw. Apparently, none of my stories about being mugged or assaulted in Baltimore are good enough to excuse me from a criminal trial.
The good news is, the bad stuff that has happened to me (and any person who has lived in Baltimore long enough has been mugged or assaulted at least once) is pretty much forgotten and doesn't haunt me. The bad news is that it doesn't get me off of jury duty. I feel like there is some sort of political point to make in here, but for now, that's just a little story.

Links!!!

New Brian Morton’s Blog--this week he puts out an endorsement for the Md Primary.
http://www.smirkingchimp.com/thread/12675

Movies
Charm City Cineaste--January films viewed by the Cineaste.
http://charmcitycineaste.blogspot.com/

Comics
This Modern World
http://www.thismodernworld.com/newest-comic/

The Maakies
http://www.maakies.com/

The Perry Bible Fellowship
http://www.pbfcomics.com/

Music/Events

Music listings.
http://patsdistrict.com/music_scene/maryland_music_scene.html
http://www.bmorelive.com/

Other Weekly Features
Michael Shermer’s E-Skeptic Newsletter!
www.skeptic.com/eskeptic/08-02-06.html



Anything you think I should link to? Drop me a note!