A Parochialist exclusive! A Davezine preview!

Some of you may have noticed there wasn’t a post last week, and for that, I apologize. I’ve been working on something big, something that has taken up a lot of my anti-City Paper rage. Now, for the first time, I present to you the prologue to my new story about the City Paper, the full version will be out next month in Davezine 13.
Low Level Bureaucrats 3: The Rise of the Collective


Prologue
One issue of last week’s Beatown Weekly hung in the window of the red paper box on the corner of 30th and Martin, just hours before a new batch of issues would arrive. It was unusual for Beatown Weekly to remain in the box for so long, but this had been a slow week--the second week of October typically was, and it didn’t help that the rain that had been beating the box for days had been steadily soaking the edges of the display paper.

At Another Planet Café, the last paper had been picked up about thirty minutes after a stack had been dropped off. At the Corner Deli, the last paper was gone within 2 days. At O’Reilly’s Pub, the last issue was being used to sop up vomit from one of it’s patrons.

The issues that had made it into the hands of Beatown residents had directed many of them to a whole range of activities over the weekend. And now, Tuesday night, the new one was only hours away.

*
I gotta go home, thought Darth Rexman, the goateed, mid-thirties editor of the Beatown Weekly. He drained the last of his coffee as he pored over the prototype of the latest issue. He stared out the window into the Beatown night, and saw a bum peeing in an alley, then watched as a police officer came upon him to “ask him a few questions.” It was all part of the “zero-shenanigans” police policy that had been in place since the O’Flannery administration.

Rexman watched the mini-drama unfold as the bum looked for his apparently non-existent ID card, and then was summarily handcuffed and detained, to await the appearance of the Beatown Paddy Wagon.

Rexman looked on, disgusted with what had become of this city since O’Flannery had taken charge. This was his legacy: a place where everyone gets locked up, and nobody can park anywhere.

It was late, and he was tired. But now he was inspired.

He began to write.

At 12:30 a.m, after letting out a big, wide, expansive yawn, Rexman decided to call it a day. It was frustrating when things weren’t right. But he supposed that was the sign that he was on the right track, for being completely satisfied with ones work leads to completely unsatisfactory work. Or so said that stupid “self-affirmation” sign above his desk.

He shut off the lights and headed down the three flights of stairs.

Rexman, still locked in his thoughts about this week’s issue, found his beat up old Civic right where he left it, now the only vehicle on the floor of the parking garage. He pulled out his key and headed toward it, thankful to be at the end of long day and wondering if his wife would forgive him again for coming home so late.

He slumped down in the seat of the Civic and put the key in the ignition, when he felt a cold sweaty hand over his mouth, and a sharp pain in his neck, and then…blackness.

*
A few minutes later Rexman came to. Where am I? His hands were bound by duct-tape as he realized he was in the tiny backseat of his own car, which someone else was driving. He looked at the driver. “Who are you? Where are you taking me?”

The driver kept his eyes on the road, not turning his head. “Relax, Mr. Rexman.” The voice was raspy, cold. Rexman could see the man had a gaping hole of baldness on the top of his head, and what little hair was left was totally gray.

“Who are you?” he repeated.

“Well, Mr. Rexman, we’re just gonna take a little drive, so just relax. As for my name? Love. Karl Love.”

Read Low Level Bureaucrats 3: The Rise of the Collective in next month's issue of Davezine #13!!!

Links!!!
Brian Morton's Blog
http://www.smirkingchimp.com/thread/13120

Movies
Charm City Cineaste
http://charmcitycineaste.blogspot.com/

Comics
This Modern World
http://www.thismodernworld.com/newest-comic/

The Maakies
http://www.maakies.com/

The Perry Bible Fellowship
http://www.pbfcomics.com/

Music/Events

Music listings.
http://patsdistrict.com/music_scene/maryland_music_scene.html
http://www.bmorelive.com/

Other Weekly Features
Michael Shermer’s E-Skeptic Newsletter!
www.skeptic.com/eskeptic/08-02-27.html

The Straight Dope
http://www.straightdope.com/columns/080222.html


Anything you think I should link to? Drop me a note!

Valentines Day= 14 days into the Maryland Smoking Ban.

Barflies pissed and moaned about how the smoking ban would kill bar business. Right. You already had the option of just staying home to drink, but you didn’t. Because you need to come to the bar. Because your needy soul has to come out and be with the other needy souls. You ever wonder why bars have high chairs? Because barflies are like babies, needing constant attention and validation.

You can’t smoke at any bar in this state. Where the fuck are the smokers going to go--Delaware?
“Hey, fuck this Maryland shit, I’m gonna get in my car, drive an hour to Delaware so I can drink and smoke at the same time. I just gotta gas up my car, get some money for tolls, get a room for the night so I don’t get pulled over by the cops on my way home, and…aww, fuck it, I guess I’ll just go outside and smoke.”
What was that? I couldn’t hear you past the crowds of people in this bar who aren’t smoking.

I hate cigar smokers--unless you’re Starbuck on Battlestar Galactica. Or maybe Tom Selleck. Something about every cigar smoker I’ve ever met in real life is the same. The same attention-getting, obnoxious manner, the “let’s piss off everyone around me because it makes me feel important” attitude. But now, because of the smoking ban, I will never have to deal with this again. I will not miss this.

(ps--I do not hate smokers. I just hate stupid arguments.)


Links!!!
Brian Morton's Blog
http://www.smirkingchimp.com/thread/12831

Movies
Charm City Cineaste
http://charmcitycineaste.blogspot.com/

Comics
This Modern World
http://www.thismodernworld.com/newest-comic/

The Maakies
http://www.maakies.com/

The Perry Bible Fellowship
http://www.pbfcomics.com/

Music/Events

Music listings.
http://patsdistrict.com/music_scene/maryland_music_scene.html
http://www.bmorelive.com/

Other Weekly Features
Michael Shermer’s E-Skeptic Newsletter!
www.skeptic.com/eskeptic/08-02-13.html

The Straight Dope
http://www.straightdope.com/columns/080215.html



Anything you think I should link to? Drop me a note!

Jury Duty

I went to jury duty this week, and was extremely fortunate to have a number that was in the middle of the pack: just high enough to only get picked for one panel, and then when I was getting close to beign drafted for a two day trial (having no acceptable excuses that would get me out of it), my number was high enough to avoid it. Sheer luck of the draw. Apparently, none of my stories about being mugged or assaulted in Baltimore are good enough to excuse me from a criminal trial.
The good news is, the bad stuff that has happened to me (and any person who has lived in Baltimore long enough has been mugged or assaulted at least once) is pretty much forgotten and doesn't haunt me. The bad news is that it doesn't get me off of jury duty. I feel like there is some sort of political point to make in here, but for now, that's just a little story.

Links!!!

New Brian Morton’s Blog--this week he puts out an endorsement for the Md Primary.
http://www.smirkingchimp.com/thread/12675

Movies
Charm City Cineaste--January films viewed by the Cineaste.
http://charmcitycineaste.blogspot.com/

Comics
This Modern World
http://www.thismodernworld.com/newest-comic/

The Maakies
http://www.maakies.com/

The Perry Bible Fellowship
http://www.pbfcomics.com/

Music/Events

Music listings.
http://patsdistrict.com/music_scene/maryland_music_scene.html
http://www.bmorelive.com/

Other Weekly Features
Michael Shermer’s E-Skeptic Newsletter!
www.skeptic.com/eskeptic/08-02-06.html



Anything you think I should link to? Drop me a note!

Parochialism in real life.

One thing I can’t stand: People who say “I don’t know, that was before I was born.” As if their birth was the beginning of all responsibility for knowledge of history. So terribly parochial. Ignorance should be a source of shame, not pride. I mean, I’m self-centered, but I don’t believe that my knowledge of history should be limited to the years in which I have existed. That would be truly narcissistic.

And while we’re on the topic: I am sick to death of these mutherfucking kids on my street screaming their business out the window, on the street, to the point where I know more things about them than I care to. I feel like doing a little screaming myself. It would go like this:

“Hey kids: your shitty-going-nowhere-fast lives do not interest me, so would you mind keeping them to yourselves?”

And I really hate the fact that those same kids hang out all year, even in the rain, with absolutely no special occasions to ever distinguish one day from the next. It reminds me of my first roommate, who dated a 15 year old. (he was 18, and yes, that technically is statutory rape). Because of the fact that she still lived with her parents (like you’re supposed to when you’re 15) they were always at our apartment. Not once in the year and a half I lived with him did he ever spend the night anywhere else. Just like those damn kids: never anywhere to be, never anything to look forward to.

This is parochialism, and this is what I’m here to fight!

--The Parochialist.

Links!!!

New Brian Morton’s Blog
http://www.smirkingchimp.com/thread/12517

Movies
Charm City Cineaste
http://charmcitycineaste.blogspot.com/

Comics
This Modern World
http://www.thismodernworld.com/newest-comic/

The Maakies
http://www.maakies.com/

The Perry Bible Fellowship
http://www.pbfcomics.com/

Music/Events

Music listings.
http://patsdistrict.com/music_scene/maryland_music_scene.html
http://www.bmorelive.com/

Other Weekly Features
Michael Shermer’s E-Skeptic Newsletter!
www.skeptic.com/eskeptic/08-01-30.html

The Straight Dope
http://www.straightdope.com/columns/080201.html



Anything you think I should link to? Drop me a note!

Auto Pilot

Some updated links for regular Readers of The Parochialist.

Brian Morton’s Blog
http://www.smirkingchimp.com/thread/12365

Movies
Charm City Cineaste
http://charmcitycineaste.blogspot.com/

Comics

This Modern World
http://www.thismodernworld.com/newest-comic/

The Maakies
http://www.maakies.com/

The Perry Bible Fellowship
http://www.pbfcomics.com/

Music/Events

A good music listing site.
http://patsdistrict.com/music_scene/maryland_music_scene.html
http://www.bmorelive.com/



Michael Shermer’s E-Skeptic Newsletter!
www.skeptic.com/eskeptic/08-01-23.html

The Straight Dope
http://www.straightdope.com/columns/080125.html

****c ******y is worse than ***y ****r

Nothing notable in the CP lately, at least, not anything that haven’t already complained about. But don’t worry--like a seven on a craps table, it’s coming. The next obnoxious article will be there.
At any rate, 2008 may see a change in The Parochialist, as I broaden my horizons of parochialism to include things that have nothing to do with CP. Like last week, the first post of the year, which was devoted entirely to another publication. You see? I’ve grown. I’ve changed.

Links!!!

Brian Morton’s Blog
http://www.smirkingchimp.com/thread/12214


Movies
Charm City Cineaste
http://charmcitycineaste.blogspot.com/

Comics

This Modern World
http://www.thismodernworld.com/newest-comic/

The Maakies
http://www.maakies.com/

The Perry Bible Fellowship
http://www.pbfcomics.com/

Music/Events

A good music listing site.
http://patsdistrict.com/music_scene/maryland_music_scene.html
http://www.bmorelive.com/



Michael Shermer’s E-Skeptic Newsletter!
www.skeptic.com/eskeptic/08-01-16.html

The Straight Dope
http://www.straightdope.com/columns/080118.html

Rage against bad critics!

Hey, I’m back!

I will admit that this week it is hard to be angry at City Paper, because my anger has been raised by a much lesser paper, which makes CP look like the New York Times. This lesser paper, which is read by approximately 12 people, printed a scathing, badly written, unsupported load of crap review about my musical project. It was lazy, unnecessarily mean (what can I say? if you don’t get that it’s a joke, you might not enjoy it) and contained at least two very big mistakes--and I quote,

“His Myspace page says that he is similar to Weird Al. That is an understatement.”

Um, honeybun, what you meant to say in your little insult of me, is that this is an OVERstatement. As in, "this guy thinks he's the next Weird Al, but that is an overstatement, because he sucks." But that’s okay--nobody’s reading your paper anyway.

And:
“The lyrics, if you can call them that are immature and out and out stupid.”

Lyrics (plural noun)
1. music song words: the words of a song, especially a popular song (often used in the plural)

Encarta ® World English Dictionary © & (P) 1998-2004 Microsoft Corporation. All rights reserved.

I believe that whether you like what I have to say or not, they are, in fact LYRICS. I am sorry if this person didn’t like my words, but don’t turn around and claim that they do not even count as lyrics. That is what is immature and stupid.

It just pissed me off because criticism should really follow a three step model:
1. what was the artist trying to do?
2. Did the artist accomplish the goal? And
3. Was the goal worth accomplishing?

I can accept negative but valid criticism--indeed, I’ve gotten it in the past and I have learned from it. But this little shitting on of Davey G and the Keyboard just started with the fact that this person did not like the fact that my whole act is done with a Casio keyboard. Because that “proves music is just a hobby, or just something to waste his time.” (actual quote) Because, in this personal's somewhat parochial view, if you’re trying to do comedy, you are obviously wasting your time.

I realize that responding to criticism is also a waste of time, so I am not printing this paper’s name or URL. If you find it, kudos to you. I merely offer them a big “fuck you.” No one reads them, no one cares, and even though that paper came out last month, no one brought it to my attention or even realized it existed. As much as I don’t like City Paper, if they had reviewed me, people would have been calling me first thing Wednesday morning to tell me about it. Maybe I need to lay off on them for awhile…

(Hey, I am angry!!! Just not at City Paper!)

See you next week!

Links!!!

Brian Morton’s Blog
http://www.smirkingchimp.com/thread/12045
This is last weeks’.
http://www.smirkingchimp.com/thread/11890


Movies
Charm City Cineaste
http://charmcitycineaste.blogspot.com/

Comics

This Modern World
http://www.thismodernworld.com/newest-comic/

The Maakies
http://www.maakies.com/

The Perry Bible Fellowship
http://www.pbfcomics.com/

Music/Events

A good music listing site.
http://patsdistrict.com/music_scene/maryland_music_scene.html
http://www.bmorelive.com/



Michael Shermer’s E-Skeptic Newsletter!
www.skeptic.com/eskeptic/08-01-08.html